why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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