we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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