I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
