I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
