How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
