how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
