I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So. Much. Porn.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
