Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
They took my balls.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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