What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
