Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw a hot homeless man
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
