Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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