I faked an abortion last night.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
