Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
