i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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