I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
