If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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