She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
