I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
