It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
