Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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