The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
