i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
