Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I look better un-naked...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
