oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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