i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
