just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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