Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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