No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Bring me that man meat
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last night I used snow as a chaser
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