dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
