Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
