You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
