How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
