hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have aggressive nipples.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
