ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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