just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Oh god it's open bar.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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