I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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