I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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