dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
