you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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