Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
