A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
