I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
