Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
