when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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