yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
