do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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