Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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