I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
