Please, let me fuck your mom
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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