champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
