You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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