2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
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