hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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